Time passes, but somehow still seems to stand still
LJs father, Joshua the 1st, was the love of my life...honestly, he still is. We were friends since we were young children. I think I was 14 when we met each other. Thinking back, it seems like a lifetime ago. We started dating when I was 21, and he was 19. I was a year and some change older than my Bae. We were so deeply in love, we were inseparable for our entire relationship. He was my best friend. I struggle so hard with his death. We spent so many years together, he was my life. We had so many plans, and dreams, like most young couples I guess. We talked about having a baby all the time, and when I got pregnant with LJ, even though, it was at an extremely difficult time in our lives, we were both so happy. We would finally get to start our family.
Thanksgiving 2010, I was just a few months pregnant
Things went from bad to worse though, with Josh going to jail while I was early in my pregnancy. After that, it was like an avalanche of heartache and rough times. I got the initial news that LJ was having kidney trouble, on my visit to the doctor to find out the baby's sex. From then on, it was just me, thank God I had my family to support me. Luckily, when LJ was still in the hospital, his father was granted permission to come home for while due to the severity of my baby's medical condition. Unfortunately, we were not living together. I lived with my parents, and Josh lived with his aunt. Even once LJ came home from the hospital, we could not spend nights together because LJ had to have his 13 hour dialysis treatments at home. It was bittersweet having him home, but we had him. Then tragedy struck, and a group of cowards, completely filled with hatred, murdered my fiancé, the love of my life. It was a case of mistaken identity, and it took LJ's father from us forever. Our lives have never been the same. I have never been the same. LJ has never been the same.
My son stopped taking food by mouth, and he even stopped sitting up. He changed. Doctors and therapists don't fully believe me, but I don't care. I know my son, and I know that he changed. It was like he knew as soon as I did. My son loved his father so much, and it made me a little jealous at times, but my mom would tell me that's how babies are, lol. We do all the work, and Daddy gets all the love and glory. I was fine with it though, we were happy,..... for a little while.
Now, I just have my memories. Sometimes I get scared that I don't remember as much as I used to, or I cant tell my baby stories as precise as I used to. I spend so much time crying, and just aching from the pain of losing him. I could never have imagined feeling a pain like this. It is one O can't explain. There are some people who say I should be dealing with it better, some who say it has been long enough. To those people, I say, you must not know the pain of losing a spouse, a partner, a true love. I will mourn him as long as I see fit, in whatever way that comforts me, and I will NOT make excuses for it. I love him, and I always will. He did give me the greatest gift I could ever ask for in addition to loving me unconditionally.
6/7/16
Today was a hard day for me, not for any particular reason, just little things like always. In the hospital we saw a nurse that use to take care of LJ when has just a baby. As soon a s she saw him, she started talking about Josh, and asking me how I've been since he's been gone. She talked about LJ looking just like him, and how hard it must be. It feels like it just happened to me, no matter how long it's been, and whenever somebody talks about him, outside of family and close friends, it gives me chills. I just really can't believe that he is gone. I guess I kind of tell myself that it's only for a little while, just so I can make it. It never gets even a little easier, and it's scary 'cause I'm so stuck, like I can't get past him. I can't see myself ever being with anybody else, I don't know what I;m gonna do. I have been taking it one day at a time foe a long time, but the days just blend together into one long, lonely, dark night.
8/16/16
This is such a hard month for me. Every year it seems like it gets harder and harder. It's only been almost 4 years now, and it still feels like no time has really gone by at all. I heard from one of my best friends from years ago today, and she didn't even know that Josh was gone. She asked me were we still together, and I could barely catch my breath. It's so crazy to me; I hate even having to say the words out of my mouth. It hurts so bad, I can't even explain. People say time heals all wounds. I don't know which wounds those are, but mine are as deep as ever. I miss my Bae like crazy. There is so much i want to tell him, so much i want him to see. I wish that he was here to play with his son and watch him grow. Life is so unfair. The pain literally keeps me up at night. LJ looks more like him everyday, and he acts just like him. Lord please help me to deal with this constant, unrelenting sadness that plagues my heart.
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