Dear Diary

    Today I decided to do a little something different.  Instead of posting about LJ (right now), I am just going to take some time out to really get my feelings out.  I have a lot that I carry around on my shoulders, and I need to start letting it out.  I will always continue to work hard at being the best mother that I can be, but right now...... I need some ME time!........ So here goes....

     So "Diary", today is my older sister's annual ornament exchange party.  Usually I am so excited, but not this year.  There has been so much going on within our family, that things will never be the same.  It's so sad to say because I am ALL about family.  I don't even really have no friends like that because I would so much rather be with my sisters.  I am the youngest of 8 children (5 girls, 3 boys) so we are, or were all very close.  I won't even get into all the craziness that has gone on, but I'm sure anyone with sisters can relate.  My thing is though, when you fight within a family, you have to understand that it impacts everybody, not just you directly.  My heart is so heavy from the arguing and fighting, and it's not even me.   I wish we could just get things off our chest and move on, but Lord knows it's not that easy.  It's so sad that this is happening, then around the holidays make it worse.  This is Family time!  I don't even know what I am going to do for Christmas without my whole fam together.  That's not even the worst part of it all.

     I am struggling so hard today, ......like most days.  My fiance not being here is really taking a toll on me this season.  The holidays, or really the winter in general, is hard for me.  This year though, my pain has transformed into fear.  I find myself being scared of life, and living.  I fear moving on without him.  It has been over 3 years now, but still feels like yesterday.  I know everybody says that time heals all wounds, but that is not true.  Time allows wounds to become permanent, at least in my experience.  Every morning when I wake up, just seeing the sun makes me cry.  The thought of a new day without him makes me sick to my stomach.  Every night I tell myself I'm strong for making it another day, then every day I curse the dawn.  I never thought it would take so much effort to just be OK.  I am working on it so very diligently, I swear, but it's a lot harder than most people think.  Unless you have lost the love of your life, you cannot relate, or give advice.  You know, to be honest, I really feel like I lost a lot of so called friends after Josh passed because people just didn't want to deal.  It was like I had a virus they thought they would catch.  It's funny though, you always find out who is really riding for you when times get hard.  I found out that the person that rode the hardest was gone.  That's the art that hurts the most.  I lost so many people when I lost Josh.  I lost my best friend, my love, my biggest supporter, and just my everything.  My son lost his father, and he will never know how amazing he was; how babd he prayed for LJ, and how happy he was when he was born.  I still remember when I told him I was pregnant, we were driving to his Dad's house,  and he screamed so loud.  He was so happy he kept asking if I was serious.  From that moment on, it was all about the baby :)  They never got to do all the things he always talked about doing with LJ.  My baby was so small when they took Josh from us.  It's so unfair.  I am really having a moment, and it seem like it wants to stay.  I had to get this off my chest, at least a little.  I don't have anybody to talk to when I gotta get stuff off, so maybe someone out there is listening,

Have a blessed rest of your weekend!