Broken Silence

I have to say this because it has been weighing so heavily on my heart.  It bothers me so much to get criticism and what is considered to be "tough love" when it comes to LJ.  I have done, and I continue to do my very best at raising my son, despite everything else going on with his health and mine.  Truth be told though, life is not easy, and that is just what it is.  I am a first time Mom, and all of this is new to me.  Whether LJ was born with any health issues, or not, I would have a lot to learn just like any other mother.  I just don't appreciate it when my efforts, or my struggle, is downplayed.   I love my family, let me say that; what family I have at least.  Anyway, i appreciate everything that they do for me, I mean, we all do things for each other.  That is what family is about, and I think sometimes people tend to forget that.  The thing is, I also think that with family being so closely involved, they tend to overlook certain things.  Maybe since when they see us out of the house, and LJ is doing well, and looking good, and I'm OK, they might forget that I have rough, sometimes sleepless nights.  It may slip their mind that he had terrible diarrhea for months, or was just in the hospital for weeks, for example.  The point is, they tend to forget what we go through.  In doing so, it is easy for someone to feel that the little accomplishments that I look at as milestones in his development, are just that.  To the naked eye, they may appear simply mediocre, but to me, knowing how far we have come, and what obstacles we face on a daily basis, I take every small step, as a giant leap.  It is just hurtful to be undermined as though I don't do enough as a parent.  I have never been one to ask for sympathy, but just for someone to acknowledge that I deal with a lot, and given the hand I/we were dealt, I think we are doing damn good, i don't care what anybody says.  My baby is leaps and bounds beyond where doctors said he would be today.  No, he is not where I would like him to be, but that is just reality.  He is doing great though, and I refuse to let anybody take that away from him, or me.  From having a medical issues, to losing his father at such a young age, he has a lot to deal with.  For me, having my fist child born with such intense medical issues, and losing my fiance, whom I planned to spend my life with; I am still dealing with the sobering reality of it all.  Anyone who can go to bed at night lying next to the one they love, not having to worry about taking your child for blood work in the morning, or frequent doctors appointments, hospitalizations, etc., there is no way that you can say anything when it comes to my life.  You have no idea what it is like....not even a little.

Progress

Happy Saturday Everybody!! Hopefully everyone is enjoying their weekend.  The weather is beautiful outside, so that is always a plus.  I am so glad that it is not as hot as it has been, but it is nice out.  LJ loves the nice weather.  I think the sun makes him a nicer person, lol.  The girls at his daycare said that since summer, he's been so much happier.  I'll take it!  I love the way he has been acting lately.  It's like, since he graduated from Pre- K, he has transformed,  it is the funniest thing.  I can't believe how much he has changed so fast though.  From the pacifier, to even how he eats.  He is completely done with the "Poppy", and as far as eating, my baby has done so good.  He use to not want to take anything in his mouth.  It's crazy though, because, he use to drink a bottle when he was a baby, and he use to lick stuff just like any other baby; Popsicles, etc.  Then, when Josh past, he stopped taking everything.  The doctors don't want to believe that he shut down after his Dad past, but there is not other explanation I can find.   Anyways, he's been getting speech therapy, and I've been working on him drinking again.  So between the two of us, LJ started on stage 1 baby food a few months ago, but now, he is on stage 3, and he is eating 2 to 3 times a day, and still getting his 3 tube feeds in with his g- tube everyday.  I am so proud of my Big Boy.  He eats the Go-Gurt yogurt for kids, and is drinking juice from my cup too.  I love that he asks to eat too.  It's so exciting.  Now we working on the physical stuff.  He is getting a stander to work on strengthening his leg muscles, and he's been practicing with a walker.  At home, we practice climbing on the couch from the floor.  He is getting stronger everyday,  It is definitely not easy, but my baby is a fighter, always has been, and all he needs is good motivation.  I just have to keep him motivated.  I am going to keep you guys updated with all his improvements, from eating, to all his steps.  Stay tuned, and be safe!

 

Changes

I'm sitting here late on this Throwback Thursday, just thinking about how time flies.  My baby is 5 years old, on his way to Kindergarten, and life is so different than I would have ever planned for my self at this point, but here we are.    I was looking at some old pictures of LJ and Josh, reminiscing of course.  I loved looking at them together.  I love looking at LJ now, and I often fantasize about how their relationship would have grown over the years.  How could I not?  Either way, I know my Bae is proud of our baby, just as much as I am, for everything he has, and is accomplishing.  Things change so fast, out of the clear blue sky it seems like sometimes too.  Just yesterday, I asked LJ could we get rid of the pacifier.  He looked up at me, and just said, "we sure can."  Just like that too, he hasn't used it since, not to sleep with, or anything.  This is only his second night going to bed without it, but it is such a big deal because he had his "Poppy", so he called it, all the time.  My baby is making some big boy moves out here.  He is changing so much, right before my eyes.  He's not a baby anymore.

I love this picture so much 

My baby in his car 

My little man in his boat 

My big boy playing his game earlier