Dear Diary Entry #2

Over the holidays I got a chance to have a much needed conversation with LJ's grandfather (Pops, Josh's Dad).   I think that we both had been kind of avoiding having a real conversation, and letting it all out.  It was so important because it gave us both a chance to gain a better understanding of what we both want and need, also what we are both still struggling with.  I had been tip toeing around things with him because i did not know how he was dealing with everything with Josh, and i know that I am having a hard time, so if he's been doing anything like me...he has not been good.  I didn't want to cause him more pain on top of what he was already dealing with.  At the same time, I was feeling like he was avoiding me, and my mind was wandering as to what the reasons could be.  It turned out that we were both feeling almost the complete same.  He was being cautious of hurting me, and still in so much pain himself.  Pops and I us to be close even before LJ was born, he always loved me and couldn't wait for me and Josh to get married.  We almost made it :( .   Anyway, we have such a better understanding, and I am so hopeful that we continue to talk more.   LJ got to see his Grandad for the holidays since  I had a little get together before Christmas and he came :) .  It had been so long since we talked before then.  Well, not too long, but I feel like we should at least talk twice a month.  I hardly ever hear from Josh's Mom.  I send her pics of LJ often though, just so she can see how big he is getting.  My whole thing is that I understand that we are all hurting from Josh being gone.  I know that the biggest part of my life was taken from me, and I can only imagine how his parents feel losing their only son.  I will not force my son on anyone though.  If I don't feel like I am getting the same effort I am putting in, I will stop.  I am going to make every effort to keep in touch, and allow LJ to have a relationship with his grandparents.  He needs it, he really does.  It's bad enough his father is gone, he needs everyone else that's around to be there for him.  He will always have his Momma tho!

Pops and I

The Gang

Mommy on a Mission

Hey Everybody! I hope that 2016 is treating you all good so far.  We have been pretty good over here, not too much to complain about yet :)   I have been doing some heavy thinking myself, and I have decided that I had enough of some things, and it is definitely time for a change.  

Now, my little man is almost 5 years old, and he is still not walking.  He is doing amazing in his progress, don't get me wrong, but we not quite there yet.  With all that being said, on New Years Eve in my city, they have a family day.  There is this big thing where the kids can come and play for hours.  they get to meet cartoon characters, they have snacks, and everything.  I don't take my baby there because it is nothing for him to really do.  There are bouncy houses and stuff like that, and since hes not walking, and I'm too big to be in somebody's bounce house, it's no point.   Plus, when LJ get frustrated because he can't play with the other children, it hurts my heart so bad.   My baby may not be able to get around like he wants to physically, but he is every bit a 4 year old otherwise.  It really, truly bothers me that he can't play with the other children when we go somewhere because he isn't walking yet.  When we are home, I walk behind him, and hold him under his arms; he loves it.  Hopefully, soon we will have the Upsee that is going to be released in April.   I need more than that though.  Soon it will be Spring, and I want my son to be able to play with his cousins outside, and have do things that other children his age are doing.  So, i was reading an article, about a family who had similar issues, and they took action.  You can check the article out here.  I have decided, that I am gong to make it my business to find a way for my son to be able to enjoy himself with his peers.  I feel that his is missing out so much on that socialization because he can't play shoulder to shoulder with them.  It is even strenuous on me physically to try to get down, and run him around at the play ground, or someplace like Chuckie Cheese.  Don't gt me wrong I will, and have done it in a heartbeat, but he would like to do things himself, and to be honest, these things were not mad for adults, you know.  My son, like many other children with different ranges of disabilities, needs a place, well places to play...his way.  There need to be places with more adaptable equipment, and more accessible to all children.  I have had enough of my son being limited in things that he can do.  He is so intelligent, and eager for friends, and to do different things, but he has very little outside of his Pre- school, which is for medically fragile children, and his cousins.  This has definitely got to change.