Dear Diary Entry #2

Over the holidays I got a chance to have a much needed conversation with LJ's grandfather (Pops, Josh's Dad).   I think that we both had been kind of avoiding having a real conversation, and letting it all out.  It was so important because it gave us both a chance to gain a better understanding of what we both want and need, also what we are both still struggling with.  I had been tip toeing around things with him because i did not know how he was dealing with everything with Josh, and i know that I am having a hard time, so if he's been doing anything like me...he has not been good.  I didn't want to cause him more pain on top of what he was already dealing with.  At the same time, I was feeling like he was avoiding me, and my mind was wandering as to what the reasons could be.  It turned out that we were both feeling almost the complete same.  He was being cautious of hurting me, and still in so much pain himself.  Pops and I us to be close even before LJ was born, he always loved me and couldn't wait for me and Josh to get married.  We almost made it :( .   Anyway, we have such a better understanding, and I am so hopeful that we continue to talk more.   LJ got to see his Grandad for the holidays since  I had a little get together before Christmas and he came :) .  It had been so long since we talked before then.  Well, not too long, but I feel like we should at least talk twice a month.  I hardly ever hear from Josh's Mom.  I send her pics of LJ often though, just so she can see how big he is getting.  My whole thing is that I understand that we are all hurting from Josh being gone.  I know that the biggest part of my life was taken from me, and I can only imagine how his parents feel losing their only son.  I will not force my son on anyone though.  If I don't feel like I am getting the same effort I am putting in, I will stop.  I am going to make every effort to keep in touch, and allow LJ to have a relationship with his grandparents.  He needs it, he really does.  It's bad enough his father is gone, he needs everyone else that's around to be there for him.  He will always have his Momma tho!

Pops and I

The Gang