It's Thursday!!

 I had to upload these pics when I cam across them and realized it was Throwback Thursday :)  I miss my Pookie little like that.  Him was so chunky, I love it! These were from almost 3 years ago now, in June of 2013.

The cartoons had him, lol.

Pickin' that little lip

My chunka monk

Too cool

Ready for action

Baby Steps

Hey Everybody! I hope this has been a great day for each and every one of you.  LJ and I had a good day today.  I spoke to the Director at his Pre-School, and he is going to be going an extra day.  Now he will go 3 days in stead of 2, lol.  It's a big deal or us, every step counts, especially when it's in the right direction.  My little man is doing good there.  When I went to pick him up, his physical therapist was leaving, and she said he had an awesome session.  Then, when I went into the classroom, he was on the floor, rolling around and singing.  I was so happy to see that.  I swear that boy just melts my heart.  Hopefully, we can go to full days by the summer, since he can still attend Daystar then.  It will be good for him to go as much as possible, considering that he will be going to Kindergarten all day, for 5 days a week.  So far, so good though.  He had a rough time going back on Tuesday since it was his first day after break, but that's ok.  To be honest,  I know adults that had a hard time after winter break :)  We are definitely getting there though.  My baby has his little crew at school now and everything.  They told m he had his arm around a little girl and they were reading books in the library corner.  Oh, and my baby said I can't call him that anymore, he is a big boy.  He said, "Mom, big boys don't like to be called baby."  They really do grow up so fast, and absorb so much more than we even realize.  WOW! 

Happy Thursday Y'all  

Dear Diary Entry #3

So "Diary", I have been doing a lot of thinking.  Story of my life, right!  I have been having so much on my mind, and heart.  There is so much I want to do, so much I want to change, and it seems overwhelming, but I don't want that to be my downfall.  I cannot be that woman that gives up because the road got tough.  That is not even who I am, not who my mother raised me to be.  Over these last 5 years, I have dealt with enough heartache and pain for 10 lifetimes.  LJ and his birth complications and sickness, then losing the love of my life.  When you gotta keep pushing, you just have to.  Lord knows there were so many days I just wanted to give up, but thanks to LJ, it was never even a possibility.  From the moment I saw him, barely breathing in that incubator, I said to myself, "If he's fighting, I'm fighting....PERIOD."   I have lived by that through all the ups and downs, all the scary moments, I been fighting.  I truly believe if it wasn't for my son, I would not be here today.  I would honestly have thrown in the towel after I lost Josh.  Nothing in this world could ever have prepared me for the devastation that would follow his passing.  Through it all though, LJ kept me, between God and him, I'm still here.   Now it is time for me to do some serious things on my own.  I have been so engulfed in just keeping LJ as healthy as possible, now I need to focus on just giving him a better life in general.   I had such a hard time accepting the fact that my life would never be what I dreamed of or hoped for, that I was just stuck.  I kept looking back in the past, the pain, the hurt, and the memories.  I didn't realize it was destroying my present, and damaging my future.  I feel like my eyes have been opened, and it's time to dry the tears; not permanently, but I got business to take care of.  It's just me and LJ against the world.  This morning, I heard my Bae voice clear as day telling me it was a beautiful day outside.  I miss him more than I miss air if I'm not breathing.  My heart aches everyday, but I have a son, and he needs me.  Truth be told, I think I need him more.  I'm ready though.  I have spent enough time in the shadows.  It's time to step into the light!!!!

Dear Diary Entry #2

Over the holidays I got a chance to have a much needed conversation with LJ's grandfather (Pops, Josh's Dad).   I think that we both had been kind of avoiding having a real conversation, and letting it all out.  It was so important because it gave us both a chance to gain a better understanding of what we both want and need, also what we are both still struggling with.  I had been tip toeing around things with him because i did not know how he was dealing with everything with Josh, and i know that I am having a hard time, so if he's been doing anything like me...he has not been good.  I didn't want to cause him more pain on top of what he was already dealing with.  At the same time, I was feeling like he was avoiding me, and my mind was wandering as to what the reasons could be.  It turned out that we were both feeling almost the complete same.  He was being cautious of hurting me, and still in so much pain himself.  Pops and I us to be close even before LJ was born, he always loved me and couldn't wait for me and Josh to get married.  We almost made it :( .   Anyway, we have such a better understanding, and I am so hopeful that we continue to talk more.   LJ got to see his Grandad for the holidays since  I had a little get together before Christmas and he came :) .  It had been so long since we talked before then.  Well, not too long, but I feel like we should at least talk twice a month.  I hardly ever hear from Josh's Mom.  I send her pics of LJ often though, just so she can see how big he is getting.  My whole thing is that I understand that we are all hurting from Josh being gone.  I know that the biggest part of my life was taken from me, and I can only imagine how his parents feel losing their only son.  I will not force my son on anyone though.  If I don't feel like I am getting the same effort I am putting in, I will stop.  I am going to make every effort to keep in touch, and allow LJ to have a relationship with his grandparents.  He needs it, he really does.  It's bad enough his father is gone, he needs everyone else that's around to be there for him.  He will always have his Momma tho!

Pops and I

The Gang

Mommy on a Mission

Hey Everybody! I hope that 2016 is treating you all good so far.  We have been pretty good over here, not too much to complain about yet :)   I have been doing some heavy thinking myself, and I have decided that I had enough of some things, and it is definitely time for a change.  

Now, my little man is almost 5 years old, and he is still not walking.  He is doing amazing in his progress, don't get me wrong, but we not quite there yet.  With all that being said, on New Years Eve in my city, they have a family day.  There is this big thing where the kids can come and play for hours.  they get to meet cartoon characters, they have snacks, and everything.  I don't take my baby there because it is nothing for him to really do.  There are bouncy houses and stuff like that, and since hes not walking, and I'm too big to be in somebody's bounce house, it's no point.   Plus, when LJ get frustrated because he can't play with the other children, it hurts my heart so bad.   My baby may not be able to get around like he wants to physically, but he is every bit a 4 year old otherwise.  It really, truly bothers me that he can't play with the other children when we go somewhere because he isn't walking yet.  When we are home, I walk behind him, and hold him under his arms; he loves it.  Hopefully, soon we will have the Upsee that is going to be released in April.   I need more than that though.  Soon it will be Spring, and I want my son to be able to play with his cousins outside, and have do things that other children his age are doing.  So, i was reading an article, about a family who had similar issues, and they took action.  You can check the article out here.  I have decided, that I am gong to make it my business to find a way for my son to be able to enjoy himself with his peers.  I feel that his is missing out so much on that socialization because he can't play shoulder to shoulder with them.  It is even strenuous on me physically to try to get down, and run him around at the play ground, or someplace like Chuckie Cheese.  Don't gt me wrong I will, and have done it in a heartbeat, but he would like to do things himself, and to be honest, these things were not mad for adults, you know.  My son, like many other children with different ranges of disabilities, needs a place, well places to play...his way.  There need to be places with more adaptable equipment, and more accessible to all children.  I have had enough of my son being limited in things that he can do.  He is so intelligent, and eager for friends, and to do different things, but he has very little outside of his Pre- school, which is for medically fragile children, and his cousins.  This has definitely got to change.