Dear Diary Entry #3

So "Diary", I have been doing a lot of thinking.  Story of my life, right!  I have been having so much on my mind, and heart.  There is so much I want to do, so much I want to change, and it seems overwhelming, but I don't want that to be my downfall.  I cannot be that woman that gives up because the road got tough.  That is not even who I am, not who my mother raised me to be.  Over these last 5 years, I have dealt with enough heartache and pain for 10 lifetimes.  LJ and his birth complications and sickness, then losing the love of my life.  When you gotta keep pushing, you just have to.  Lord knows there were so many days I just wanted to give up, but thanks to LJ, it was never even a possibility.  From the moment I saw him, barely breathing in that incubator, I said to myself, "If he's fighting, I'm fighting....PERIOD."   I have lived by that through all the ups and downs, all the scary moments, I been fighting.  I truly believe if it wasn't for my son, I would not be here today.  I would honestly have thrown in the towel after I lost Josh.  Nothing in this world could ever have prepared me for the devastation that would follow his passing.  Through it all though, LJ kept me, between God and him, I'm still here.   Now it is time for me to do some serious things on my own.  I have been so engulfed in just keeping LJ as healthy as possible, now I need to focus on just giving him a better life in general.   I had such a hard time accepting the fact that my life would never be what I dreamed of or hoped for, that I was just stuck.  I kept looking back in the past, the pain, the hurt, and the memories.  I didn't realize it was destroying my present, and damaging my future.  I feel like my eyes have been opened, and it's time to dry the tears; not permanently, but I got business to take care of.  It's just me and LJ against the world.  This morning, I heard my Bae voice clear as day telling me it was a beautiful day outside.  I miss him more than I miss air if I'm not breathing.  My heart aches everyday, but I have a son, and he needs me.  Truth be told, I think I need him more.  I'm ready though.  I have spent enough time in the shadows.  It's time to step into the light!!!!