Personal Challenges

This past year has brought many challenges for me, not only as a mother, but as a women in general.  I have been having a very hard time dealing with the loss of LJ's Dad.  With him getting older, especially looking just like Josh, things have seemed to get harder, and the realization of raising him on my own is taking a toll on me.  People always ask me why don't I try to move on and date again, but it's just not that simple for me.  I am a package deal.  Any man that approaches me has to accept the fact that I have a child with medical issues, and I am not really ready for anyone to be judgmental or nervous about his needs. Besides the fact that I, myself, just don't really feel ready.  I always tend to think back and compare, for lack of a better word, to my relationship with my Fiance.  I know that is not the healthiest thing for a new relationship, but that's just where I am still.  I am kind of stuck right now, and I am having a very hard time letting him go.  I miss him so much each and every day, and it eats me up inside.  I keep hoping that one day I 'll wake up and I'll feel a little better, that things will be a little easier, but it just doesn't, or just hasn't seemed to change.  Maybe sometime soon, I may have a different outlook on things, or be a little more open.  To be honest, I definitely have my days when I wish that I had somebody to hold me, but at the same time, the person that I want will never be there.  I am not ready to just fill the void.  It has to be a real love, and I guess I won't be ready for that until I can fully accept the fact that the man I love is gone forever.  Even Though it has been over 4 years, it still hasn't completely sunk in yet, as funny as it may sound to some.  One day though, if it is meant to be, I'm not going to rush it, I can be alone for now.  I'm dealing with a lot.