Riding the Wave

     I would be lying if I said that I am not glad that the day is not over.  I got no sleep last night, and the the entire day was like a complete blur.  All I tried to do was stay busy, doing anything to keep myself from crying all day.  LJ stayed home from daycare and kept me company because I really wanted to spend the day with my baby.  All night last night, all I could do was look at the clock and think of what I was doing at different times 4 years ago.  No matter how hard I tried to sleep, I kept getting up, staring at the clock, staring at Josh's pictures on  my wall.  The pain is numbing.  It washes over me completely, like huge waves.  I feel like I'm drowning in an ocean sometimes, most times, and I can't swim.  It's hard to try to explain, especially to someone who has no idea what it's like to lose someone that you loved so much, someone that you still love.  How do you explain that all you want to do is just look into their eyes before you fall asleep at night?  How can you make someone else understand that all you want to do is just snuggle up under that person's arm and tell them about your day? What about when I just want to sit there and stare at him just because....how can I explain that?  It's so hard, and it hurts so bad.  It consumes me, and everyday I feel less and less like myself because everyday is one more day that I live without him.  That is one more day that I face the reality of my life never being what I wished for... what we dreamed of.  I am still fighting to make sense of it all.  Still trying to learn to swim.

Back to the beginning

Another Rough One

     Hump Day is truly fitting for today, for me anyways.  I hope everyone else is having a good Wednesday.  At least the week is half over.  It has been a long one for me, and I am definitely looking forward to it coming to a close.  I didn't get any sleep last night, and I slept off and on today.  It's funny because the day is hardest for me.  It seems like the sunshine is kind of depressing.  At night when I'm up, I don't seem to cry as much for some reason.  LJ talked about his Daddy again today.  he said "Mom, you love my Daddy right?"  I told him of course I do, and he said, "You love, me, and you love my Daddy, and my Daddy loves me too."  I told him that we both love him very much.  I know they say that children are more in tuned to their sense of clairvoyance.  I know he's been talking about his father a lot more than usual these last few days.  I don't mind at all because I want to answer any questions that my baby has, and I want him to always know that his Daddy would be here with him if he was able to.  Lord knows this year has been so hard on me.  I can't believe it has been 4 long years that I have been without the love of my life.  We had so many plans.  Now, I am at a point where I am finally starting to think about what now? Where do I go from here?  I never wanted to do it alone, but I don't even want to imagine loving someone else.  I don't know if that will ever happen, but I am so far from that place right now.  I have to first figure out how to find a way to make myself happy again, just for myself and LJ.  I hate that LJ doesn't get to know me how I use to be.  I try so hard, but I am not that person anymore.  Somebody stole my happiness from me.  I get joy from my son, don't get me wrong, but there is a different type of happiness that comes from being with the person that you love, and that is one that I lost forever.  I have to find a happy place, it won't be the same place, but I have to find one,...for me and for my son.  He deserves to see his mother happy, and we are gonna get there one day.  I know my Bae would want that.

Long, Sleepless Nights

     Tonight is one of those nights that have become way too familiar, a night that turned into this morning.  I can't sleep, and it's normal for me, especially around this time.  Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day that I lost the love of my life.  I can't believe it will be 4 years already.  The time is just passing me by.  I say that because I am still stuck in the past.  I am having such a hard time moving on and it's taring me apart.  So many people have told me that it will get easier, that the pain will subside, but it hasn't.  In some ways, I feel like it has gotten worse.  There has been so many times over the years, that I wanted to just call my Bae.  There were so may times I wanted to hear his voice, see his face, just for a second.  I wanted him to see LJ, to see how much he is just like him, how much they look alike, how much they act alike.  I just want him to see his son.  I just want my son to see his father.  LJ talks about him all the time, and it's so strange because he has been talking about him a lot more lately.  He's been saying stuff like "Mom, my Dad is OK, he feels better," and "My Dad loves me, and I love him too Mom."    It always breaks my heart a little, but he is right in everything that he says.  He asks about pictures, and he asks why Daddy can't be here with us.  I hate having to explain that part over and over.  I know it's hard for my baby to understand right now.   It's not fair that his Dad can't be here.  I don't understand it myself.  He should be here with us.  We should all be together.  I should not be explaining to my son that his Daddy is in Heaven and he can't see him anymore.  We miss him.  It hurts so much, I just don't know how to deal with the pain yet.  At least not in a way that is working to make me feel any better at all.  I don't know what to do, but I have to figure something out.

 

Working on it

I know it's been a little while, but it has been a long month for me so far, and it is just halfway over.  This is just a bad time for me in general and I am trying not to let it get me down.  In a few days, the anniversary of probably the worst day of my life so far is coming up.  I've been trying not to dwell on it, so we'll save that conversation for another time.  It has been the reason that I have been so distant with everything and everyone in my life lately though.  However, as a mother, there is little time for sulking, and sadness.  

  So....Anyway, last week I took LJ to see the Orthopedic doctor about his scoliosis.   I wanted to find out about getting him a back brace since his curve is constantly progressing, and I really hope that he doesn't end up needing surgery.  His physically therapist also came with us so that she could talk to the doctor about LJ getting braces for his legs.  He tends to scissor his legs when he tries to walk and gets excited, and he keeps his left leg on his toes when he's standing.  The doctor said it would be a good idea to have him fitted for AFO's for his legs, so that should help with his standing, and when he's taking steps.   He also said LJ can get a back brace, but his spine is very flexible, and can be pushed straight, so that is a good thing.  The only thing about that is it's gonna take a little while to get LJ fitted, then for the brace to be made and sized.  It's a process, and I understand that.  I just thought it was something that was in the works back in March when he first had the MRI to find out about the scoliosis.   I hate the feeling like things are dragging along when they shouldn't be.  Hopefully,once LJ get this brace, it at least slows the progression of his curve.  We talked about what could be keeping him from walking and the doctor said there are 5 key things needed to walk: Strength, Balance, Coordination, Willingness and I believe the last one was Muscle Tone.  The things that are problematic for LJ are the balance and  coordination, so we have to work on those two.  He has been walking for greater distances with his walker in therapy though.  Every little bit helps.  If you ask him, he says he'll be walking soon.  Only time will tell.