Another Rough One

     Hump Day is truly fitting for today, for me anyways.  I hope everyone else is having a good Wednesday.  At least the week is half over.  It has been a long one for me, and I am definitely looking forward to it coming to a close.  I didn't get any sleep last night, and I slept off and on today.  It's funny because the day is hardest for me.  It seems like the sunshine is kind of depressing.  At night when I'm up, I don't seem to cry as much for some reason.  LJ talked about his Daddy again today.  he said "Mom, you love my Daddy right?"  I told him of course I do, and he said, "You love, me, and you love my Daddy, and my Daddy loves me too."  I told him that we both love him very much.  I know they say that children are more in tuned to their sense of clairvoyance.  I know he's been talking about his father a lot more than usual these last few days.  I don't mind at all because I want to answer any questions that my baby has, and I want him to always know that his Daddy would be here with him if he was able to.  Lord knows this year has been so hard on me.  I can't believe it has been 4 long years that I have been without the love of my life.  We had so many plans.  Now, I am at a point where I am finally starting to think about what now? Where do I go from here?  I never wanted to do it alone, but I don't even want to imagine loving someone else.  I don't know if that will ever happen, but I am so far from that place right now.  I have to first figure out how to find a way to make myself happy again, just for myself and LJ.  I hate that LJ doesn't get to know me how I use to be.  I try so hard, but I am not that person anymore.  Somebody stole my happiness from me.  I get joy from my son, don't get me wrong, but there is a different type of happiness that comes from being with the person that you love, and that is one that I lost forever.  I have to find a happy place, it won't be the same place, but I have to find one,...for me and for my son.  He deserves to see his mother happy, and we are gonna get there one day.  I know my Bae would want that.