Riding the Wave

     I would be lying if I said that I am not glad that the day is not over.  I got no sleep last night, and the the entire day was like a complete blur.  All I tried to do was stay busy, doing anything to keep myself from crying all day.  LJ stayed home from daycare and kept me company because I really wanted to spend the day with my baby.  All night last night, all I could do was look at the clock and think of what I was doing at different times 4 years ago.  No matter how hard I tried to sleep, I kept getting up, staring at the clock, staring at Josh's pictures on  my wall.  The pain is numbing.  It washes over me completely, like huge waves.  I feel like I'm drowning in an ocean sometimes, most times, and I can't swim.  It's hard to try to explain, especially to someone who has no idea what it's like to lose someone that you loved so much, someone that you still love.  How do you explain that all you want to do is just look into their eyes before you fall asleep at night?  How can you make someone else understand that all you want to do is just snuggle up under that person's arm and tell them about your day? What about when I just want to sit there and stare at him just because....how can I explain that?  It's so hard, and it hurts so bad.  It consumes me, and everyday I feel less and less like myself because everyday is one more day that I live without him.  That is one more day that I face the reality of my life never being what I wished for... what we dreamed of.  I am still fighting to make sense of it all.  Still trying to learn to swim.