Long, Sleepless Nights

     Tonight is one of those nights that have become way too familiar, a night that turned into this morning.  I can't sleep, and it's normal for me, especially around this time.  Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day that I lost the love of my life.  I can't believe it will be 4 years already.  The time is just passing me by.  I say that because I am still stuck in the past.  I am having such a hard time moving on and it's taring me apart.  So many people have told me that it will get easier, that the pain will subside, but it hasn't.  In some ways, I feel like it has gotten worse.  There has been so many times over the years, that I wanted to just call my Bae.  There were so may times I wanted to hear his voice, see his face, just for a second.  I wanted him to see LJ, to see how much he is just like him, how much they look alike, how much they act alike.  I just want him to see his son.  I just want my son to see his father.  LJ talks about him all the time, and it's so strange because he has been talking about him a lot more lately.  He's been saying stuff like "Mom, my Dad is OK, he feels better," and "My Dad loves me, and I love him too Mom."    It always breaks my heart a little, but he is right in everything that he says.  He asks about pictures, and he asks why Daddy can't be here with us.  I hate having to explain that part over and over.  I know it's hard for my baby to understand right now.   It's not fair that his Dad can't be here.  I don't understand it myself.  He should be here with us.  We should all be together.  I should not be explaining to my son that his Daddy is in Heaven and he can't see him anymore.  We miss him.  It hurts so much, I just don't know how to deal with the pain yet.  At least not in a way that is working to make me feel any better at all.  I don't know what to do, but I have to figure something out.