June 28, 2011

LJ has been making so much progress, then today they tell me that he may need to have another chest tube put in.  The one that's in now is facing back- again, and it's not getting rid of the pneumothorax (air). I don't know how much I can take of this.  My angel is fighting so hard.  I just found out I have to leave the Ronald McDonald house.  I won't be able to be close to him anymore.  Today is like the worst day.  It all hurts so bad.  He is going through so much, but he is fighting, he really is.  I don't know what to do, how to react anymore.. To anything.  I never been so hurt in my entire life.  I feel numb inside.  I feel like this is all a dream, better yet, a nightmare.  Why him?  Why my angel?  The first time I get pregnant, the first baby I have, he's gotta hurt so much.  I would give anything to take away his pain and let him have a normal life.  As long as he is fighting, I'm gonna be here to support him.  Even if I have to come up here in the middle of the night from home.  I'll do whatever I gotta do to be with him. I prayed so hardcore him to get here.  I pray everyday for his recovery.  I love my baby more than anything in this whole world.  My life has no purpose without him.  I waited so long to become a mother, and I just wanna be a good other to my son.  They told me that the plan was to have me be able to hold him today, but that went out the window when they saw more air in his chest.  Dear Lord, I beg of you to place your hand on my baby's body and heal him.  Please correct everything that is wrong in his body.  Dear God give my baby the blessing that he needs.  Please give him a miracle now, and a blessing to continue to heal him.  Allow his lungs to heal, and whatever hole there is to close.  Allow his kidneys to heal and function normally.  Please bless his body God so that instead of getting things put in him, he can have them taken out.  Please allow him to progress in ways none of the doctors had ever imagined.  Please heal him Lord.  I beg of you to make him better, to allow his body to work the way you intended.  I thank you Lord, for every step forward.  Amen.

July 1, 2011

Last Journal entry

LJ off oscillator, now on ventilator

Ventilator settings:

Peep- 6

Volume- 22

Respiratory rate- 45.. Needs to be at 20 before he can breathe alone 

Chest tube is supposed to be taken out tonight.  I should be able to hold him soon.  His Foley catheter came out (the one in his penis).  They are gonna try to see if he pees without it as to whether or not they need to put it back in.  He also had an ultrasound of his kidneys.  He is on mess to help with his red blood cell production, and blood pressure.  His blood pressure was low after taking it, but is now in he normal range.