Saddest days of my Life.....

June 15, 2011

When I came down today, Dr. Shieble said that LJs BP won't stay up on its own, he had to have dopamine to keep it up.  O2 back to 100%. She told me to stay by his bedside!! In case he drops, and won't come back up.  They believe he has an infection, and he was started on antibiotics this morning.  His ups and downs could be due to the infection.  He was increased on dopamine today and given hydro cortisone to keep his BP up.  His o2 sats have been about 85% with 100% oxygen.  Mean pressure on oscillator: 20, power is at 5.4.  The doctor just told me she doesn't ever see him getting off the ventilator.  His X-Ray showed his right lung trying to expand.  Pd catheter is still showing signs of leaking.... Dialysis will wait.  The nephrologist said his kidneys have less than 10% function, he definitely needs a transplant.. Has to be 20lbs at least.  Fist they said he wouldn't make it out the week he was born without dialysis, but here he is still fighting, no dialysis yet!!!

Later....

Today was one of the most terrifying days of my life.  To hear the doctor say that I should stay by his bedside literally crippled me.  The thought of losing my son was one that I have been trying to push to the back of my mind all this time.   I prayed for him all my life.  Now that I finally have him, I don't want to lose him.  I will never give up on him.  If  he has ever reached his limit, he or God will let me know.  My son is a fighter and always has been since the day he was conceived.  He has never shown me any signs tat he is ready to throw in the towel.  This infection is a bump in the road for him because he was beginning to show signs of progression.  Maybe if he had the infection a couple of days ago, and they just realized that he may b showing signs.  I think that is what was causing him to be up and down.   I just pray to God that he helps my baby to get over this so that we can get on to the bigger challenges that are ahead of us.  He can do this!!  I know that he can do this.  My baby is a soldier.  I know the Lord did not bring him this far to leave him.   He has already, in his 3 weeks of life been through more than most people go through in an entire lifetime, and despite what many have said, he is still here, fighting everyday.  Facing different challenges, and still making it through.  Through all that he deals with, he still smiles sometimes, even though he is sedated, he still opens his eyes sometimes.  He tries so hard, he just shows that he wants so much to be here, to stick around, to prove everybody wrong, and I have faith in him, and faith in God, that he will do it.  That he will prove everybody wrong.  Just like his father said, "When you go so low, and you so down and out, there is no place to go, but up," and that's where LJ is at right now.  Things just gotta start looking up for him.  I know that they will.  He does have a lot to deal with.  I will never try to pretend that he doesn't, but miracles really do happen everyday, and he is just waiting for his turn, for the miracle that God has in store for him.  I know that God has a plan.  I don't know exactly what is it, or how it will play out, but he definitely has something planned for LJ.  He wouldn't have brought him all this way for nothing.  LJ wouldn't have fought so hard to get here for nothing.  He has a purpose to serve.  He has something to prove, something to give to the world.  We all just have to wait for him to show us.

Days when it was touch and go